Let's talks: My body is a temple

I've lost control.

I'm not ashamed but I am disappointed in myself.

 I've got to the stage that as soon as I finish eating I seem to state out loud that "I need to lose weight". I know right!

I've stopped buying clothes because I've been "intending" to lose weight for the past year now. I'll online shop at 3 in the morning adding items to my basket that will stay there forever because I won't buy them. I'm too scared.

 I haven't quite failed at the task, I did manage to loose about 7 lbs, but guess what? Yep, that's right. I put it all back on again.

Food is my go to, I have quite an unhealthy relationship with it. If I'm happy I eat. If I'm sad I eat. If I'm bored I eat.

I don't eat bad food; I'm actually quite healthy. My problem is that I over indulge. I don't eat regular meals. I'll stuff my face with things I probably should be eating in small quantities, and then for days I'll eat the bare minimum or I won't eat certain meals at all. Sometimes I genuinely won't feel hungry. I see it as my body restoring the balance.

I never could understand how people could struggle with their weight until that person became me. The solution always seemed to be good diet and regular exercise, and it is, but people forget about the emotional attachment.

The emotional attachment is the worst. That's the struggle. It's my struggle. 

There are days I'll hide from mirrors. I'll poke my wobbly bits and I'll fill myself with so much self hate. I've cancelled on friends because I'm scared of how everyone outside of my comfort zone will treat me. I've made myself think that everyone will treat me how I treat myself and that's not okay. I'm the biggest advocate for self love for other people, just not to myself.

I honestly wish that I could be happy with my body.

At 5ft 7inch with asize 12/14 frame, friend's and family say that I don't have a weight issue, and they can keep saying it but I won't ever take it in until I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I don't feel comfortable, I feel frumpy and bleurgh!

Okay, "bleurgh" isn't a feeling, but you know what I mean. I'll assume you know what I mean. 

That feeling makes giving in so much easier, it made exercise stop and it made the lazy, weak me kick in. 

I'm starting a new journey, a fresh one. I'm going to take each day as it comes, I have decided to restart my never ending health kick, to appreciate my body for what it's worth and treat it like the temple it's suppose to be.

No more self hate.

It seems pretty stupid fussing over this, I should be grateful for what I have. Grateful for the food I get to eat and for the lovely people that surround me when there are other's in the world who don't have nearly a fraction of what I have.

But happiness is important too.

Everyone has something that makes them happy, and right now in this world full of darkness it's important to maintain that happiness.

So search for what makes you happy

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